April 26th, 2015

let me fall

Trust in one's self

People talk a lot about self-esteem, but, after watching a parkour video, I realized that I am also missing self-trust.

Watching them do things that if they make one mistake could lead to there death makes me realize that I've never been able to trust my mind and body to not make frequent stupid mistakes. The two times in my life that I got seriously hurt was me thinking "Oh come on, you're just being a chicken."

Even now with taekwondo, I can't do anything all out, not because I don't know how to use my torso to throw power into my limbs, but because I'm afraid my limbs can't take it.

We were doing partner stretches the other day and my partner pulled just a little to hard and something in my leg went twang. I'm trying to train up to doing a pull up, but what ever is wrong with my shoulder such that I can do arm swings also seems to hate pull ups.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my childhood and if there were a way I could have been a stronger, more active child. Was it social pressures that made me assume someone of my weight couldn't be good at sports (which in hindsight is stupid, I really should have gotten into weightlifting or something.) Or was it more that I can't trust my body and that my body takes a long time to build muscle and heal.

I think it is true that, even though I am extremely thankful that I am able bodied, my body has never been my friend.
koto bridges

I love my koto

I inadvertently got a koto gig, so I've been practicing my koto.

I've discovered that I love my koto and I'm not giving it up.

I want to make or buy and electric koto.