2015 was a lot of dead ends. I'm hoping 2016 is less so. The problem is that I seem to have a huge disconnect between what I want to be doing and what I do well and I don't seem to be one of those people who can just put the time in and get "good enough" and when I'm lucky enough to find something I'm half-way decent at, life sometimes pulls the rug out from under me (taiko and injury/competition/racial issues.)
So I'm trying to figure out what I can do well (which will make me feel accomplished) but is also something I want to and has a less of a chance of being denied if I do get good. (Something I can do as I age, something that doesn't require you to be the best in a large pool of people.)
My art isn't really good enough and fighting with the art world is going to be more frustration than success.
I REALLY REALLY want to perform, but as I found out, I'm not cut out for being a solo performer and I'm not good enough to find myself a group. I don't really want to pour my energies into School of Honk, awesome as it is, because i'm really enjoying having something that is something I only do when I feel like doing it. I feel I got too hurt by how much of my love I poured into ONE only to have it crumble below me.
I think the safe bet is to go back to what I'm trained for, programming, but I am so afraid I will put months or years into a project and then have no one show interest. My experiences on youtube have shown me that what I think is good, other people don't. I made a video I thought was musically and visually interesting, but it only has 11 views, were as my little video where I make some horrible noises with my electric cello has over 2500 views.
If I could get a community going (or join one, somehow) on youtube, I think I would enjoying making videos for (even a small) audience. But making them into the void... well I can continue to do that and likely will, but I don't think it's going to end up being anything, especially since I have trouble talking into the camera.
I WANT to correct the mistakes of my past. I've always been too spread out, not patient enough and too worried about it being "good enough" and getting frustrated. But I kind of want to know that I'm not betting on a lame horse, and knowing me, I have many many lame horses.
I kind of wish I really loved the harp. I do feel like I made a lot of progress on it when I was committed and I think that being a gigging harpist would be fun and doable (if I can get over the solo artist issue.) But it's just so... delicate and I've never been a fan of pretty in a delicate way.