Someone I am is waiting for my courage (forgotten_aria) wrote,
Someone I am is waiting for my courage

Is this how to learn?

I didn't make testing this belt, which I think was because I had a brain-o when reviewing my first stripe stuff, but my master doesn't give that great feed back unless you ask, so I don't know for sure.

Here's the thing though, getting my next belt doesn't really mean much, except I get to learn some new things and I get to being a black belt sooner (possibly a year sooner, depending on how timing works out.) But I'm not doing TKD for the belts. I'm doing it to get exercise in a fun way that has enough structure that I feel like I'm learning something while working out. Part of what I want is to be a better person and part of that is to learn patience.

So is this the way to learn patience and resilience to disappointment?? To watch as my brain chemistry exerts more control over my own brain than the logic that I don't really gain anything from eventually being a black belt? No amount of logic said both internally and out loud would reduce the feeling of disappointment and failure.

I was raised very goal oriented, and I know this is not something that is good for my mental health, so in theory having a disappointment which is an almost empty goal should be a good practice element, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

To confuse matters worse, my bad moods seem to be a delayed reaction to (relatively mild) stress. I'm not sure how to heal to be able to handle a "normal" amount of stress. Add into that, my stress made me tactless which made me more stressed, which made me not get enough sleep.

So now I'm fighting the feelings I get when depressed. That I'm useless and unwanted and desperately want to belong and be a part of something.

Which is sad, because I had some of the best fue noodling I've ever had during a gig today and I wish I could savor that accomplishment.
Tags: depression, taekwondo

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