Someone I am is waiting for my courage (forgotten_aria) wrote,
Someone I am is waiting for my courage

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So last night my way too young and even less responsible cousin had a baby boy. My grandmother is now trying to do what she can for the baby, since that side of my family has had problems for years now, and this just makes it worse.

This gets me thinking about having children.

I don't want children. My husband doesn't children, but I know I would be a better parent than 50% of the mothers out there just because I have the resources, the maturity and the intelligence to at least start things out right. I feel guilty for not wanting to have kids, because I feel I'm not contributing to the future of humanity.

My boyfriend in high school was adopted by a very well off family, but with a combination of a bad mother and just the scar of being adopted he never quite took advantage of the things life gave him.

I see so many examples of people who got messed up by their parents one way or the other and it leaves me with a dichotomy of feeling like parenting is just this impossible thing, and feeling like I stand a better chance than most, and maybe I could bring a happy, productive child into this world and give it one more "good" person.

But then there is the problem of just looking at kids and thinking "Ew! it's noisy and it smells bad" It makes me feel almost broken as a person. We're supposed to want to have kids. They are supposed to be genetically imprinted on us as "cute" Especially when you are female.

Having a kid was all part of my master plan, but it just doesn't seem to work any more. I just don't want one. I want to have some grown up adult out there, already raised and on his/her own, carrying my genetics and my philosophies on. Buying my small piece of potential immortality.

But that's not a reason to want a kid.

Just have to wait and see if life changes my mind.

And if it does, then I'll have to change my husband's mind too.

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